Maturity in writing: Analyzing “The Hidden Truth in Verde High school”
Specific language, concise words, and a variety of stylistic devices- these were the main tools I focused on in Writing 102 Course. Writing 102 Course has maximized my potentials in writing because of the intensity of the arguments presented in this class. The tough experience of Writing 102 makes me think of the previous essays as they were written under no use of powerful prose. Along with new stylistic devices, conciseness was a hard mission to accomplish in the essays. Although it was a hard course, a lot was learnt through the past four months. Overall, Writing 102 course with Dr. Daniel Fredrick has both benefited and energized me to be both a better writer and well prepared for English 204 course. In this essay, I will present a full detailed analytical evaluation of my first essay “The Hidden Truth in Verde High school”.
In my first essay, Pro/Con “The Hidden Truth in Verde High School”, I had many weak developmental points which dropped my grade to a C. At first, I did not know why I got such a low grade. After rereading the essay, I realized and understood my mistakes and now I can point them out and correct them. As a result, clarity was one of the mistakes I had throughout this paper. If we take another look at the first paragraph I wrote in the Pro part of “The Hidden Truth in Verde High School”, we can easily notice the lack of clarity in that paragraph. Furthermore, development was used weakly in that paragraph, not completely explaining the point I was trying to get to.
“Since the police was involved in this situation, they made further investigations about the boy and concluded that he used to sit alone during lunch time, which triggers the question why would he sit alone everyday with no friends if he is a chess champion/ honor student? It is probable that the boy is capable of doing such a huge thing as abusing people. He probably wants to grab attention and for the lights to be spotted on him indirectly. Additionally, he might have some psychological problems due to the loneliness he is living in, which gave him a motive to do this. Also, other students probably fear being with him because of his abusive and shocking behavior; abusive for the way he tried to hit the Principal; shocking for he is a chess champion and an honor student. As we all know, an honor student would not behave this way, but it is possible that this boy acted this way to pull people’s attention toward him for he is always lonely. Therefore, this is another reason that the boy looks more like the guilty one in the scene.”
As noticed, the paragraph lacks style, clarity, and development, the main tools used for academic essays. Stylistic devices such as parallel structure were not used extensively to enrich the argument. For example the sentence “the boy is capable of doing such a huge thing as abusing people” was not combined using parallel structure with “He probably wants to grab attention and for the lights to be spotted on him indirectly”. The ideas were not developed harmonically, confusing the reader with several ideas, and not supporting the ideas correctly. For instance “He probably wants to grab attention and for the lights to be spotted on him indirectly” did not rationally explain the reasons behind arguing this point. Since the idea was presented, but not explained further, it did not have a strong support, losing its arguing power capability. Moreover, conciseness was not achieved successfully. Many words should have been eliminated, creating a more sophisticated essay. “Also, other students probably fear being with him because of his abusive and shocking behavior; abusive for the way he tried to hit the Principal; shocking for he is a chess champion and an honor student” was a long, boring, and a weak sentence. Because of its wordiness, it lost the persuasion power it intended to create, making the argument weaker. Hence, the weak use of style, the merge of more than one different idea, and the useless words created an argumentatively weak and a logically unappealing paragraph.
As a result of the noticeable weakness in the old paragraph, the new revised paragraph will have a significant change in style and development.
“It is highly possible that the boy might be guilty, and when the police has been investigating and found out he sits alone at lunch, it allows us to think deeply about this fact, predicting that he has psychological problems; and it is also highly assumed the loneliness creates a motivation to be a violent, and abusive boy, deceiving the public with his position as an honor student/chess champion and accusing the Principal of attacking him and fabricating the truth. Therefore, we conclude the boy might be guilty for the reasons mentioned above.”
The revised paragraph argues strongly on how the boy’s noticed loneliness has created this violence in him. The flow in the sentences creates a stylish, balanced, and a solid argument of why the boy might be guilty. Therefore, the use of subordination decorates the house of argument magnificently. While the subordination played a key role in solidifying this argument, the flow and development of ideas also strengthen the argument and make it more logically appealing to the reader. In addition, using parallel structure supported the argument significantly when I mentioned “deceiving the public with his position as an honor student/chess champion and accusing the Principal of attacking him and fabricating the truth”. As known, parallel structure, a tool used for balance, helps create eloquence in the sentence, hence, supporting and enriching the argument.
Another obvious mistake in the Con of “The Hidden Truth in Verde High School” was the conclusion. Because of its generality, the conclusion was unexciting and long. Revisiting the analysis of the essay was not used effectively, therefore, the reader would be discouraged to highly rate this essay.
“In conclusion, I believe that the girl is guilty for several reasons which include, her being a the girl’s flag football team captain which is a solid proof that she could easily bully the boy, her being older than the boy which is an influence for the police to believe her over the boy, and her best friend being the defender for her and saying that the boy is guilty because he struggled with the Principal. Therefore, as the girl’s friend claims, the boy is the one who hit the girl. As a result, the girl, as I see, is more likely to be guilty and responsible for this school drama.”
Notice the long sentences, creating a sense of boredom in the end. “I believe that the girl is guilty for several reasons which include, her being a the girl’s flag football team captain which is a solid proof that she could easily bully the boy, her being older than the boy which is an influence for the police to believe her over the boy, and her best friend being the defender for her and saying that the boy is guilty because he struggled with the Principal” was an extremely not concise sentence. Since the reasons for being on the girl’s side already mentioned, the reader would want a conclusion that stimulates their logic appeal, thinking deeply about the argument. Therefore, the parallel structure was not effective in this sentence. A conclusion should be short, informative, and stylish. As I read through my conclusion, an embarrassed, red face was my verbal expression. Even though the conclusion might look and sound convincing, it is not suitable for a 102 Writing Course. Therefore, the new revision will be based on the same concepts, only more academic.
“Some people suppose the girl might be guilty for she is the captain of the girl’s team. Others suppose she might be guilty for the age difference between her and the boy. Most were puzzled. And the hidden truth in Verde high school might never be known.”
As soon as I read what I just wrote, a big smile colored my face. This conclusion, as short as effective it is, would definitely draw attention and excitement of the reader. The prose was used in a solid manner, backing up the argument, and driving the reader to use their ethos. Using few but attractive words in the new excerpt “Others suppose she might be guilty for the age difference between her and the boy” instead of using parallel structure in the old, unappealing, and wordy excerpt, I created a dominant pathos for blaming the girl. For this reason, I believe this conclusion is more appropriate for strong arguments for its stylistic and impressive use; stylistic, for the concise yet logical and emotional appealing essay ending; impressive, for its interesting and open ended discussion.
In conclusion, in order to achieve a high quality style in writing, I must ask myself, “Have I finally achieved perfectness in prose? Does my essay correctly utilize the stylistic devices learnt in Writing 102? And am I a writer with strong analytical mind, supported arguments, and a creative writing style?” And, along with maturing my writing style, my goal is to continue using these stylistic devices throughout life. And my future objective will be achieving academic style, being economical in my essays; my creativeness in using prose is my main ingredient in argumentative essays. I should not argue without using these ingredients because they are the key supporters into a persuasive essay; often I will need a miracle, a lot of prayers, and a patient mind, before I can accomplish perfectness.
Notice the long sentences, creating a sense of boredom in the end. “I believe that the girl is guilty for several reasons which include, her being a the girl’s flag football team captain which is a solid proof that she could easily bully the boy, her being older than the boy which is an influence for the police to believe her over the boy, and her best friend being the defender for her and saying that the boy is guilty because he struggled with the Principal” was an extremely not concise sentence. Since the reasons for being on the girl’s side already mentioned, the reader would want a conclusion that stimulates their logic appeal, thinking deeply about the argument. Therefore, the parallel structure was not effective in this sentence. A conclusion should be short, informative, and stylish. As I read through my conclusion, an embarrassed, red face was my verbal expression. Even though the conclusion might look and sound convincing, it is not suitable for a 102 Writing Course. Therefore, the new revision will be based on the same concepts, only more academic.
“Some people suppose the girl might be guilty for she is the captain of the girl’s team. Others suppose she might be guilty for the age difference between her and the boy. Most were puzzled. And the hidden truth in Verde high school might never be known.”
As soon as I read what I just wrote, a big smile colored my face. This conclusion, as short as effective it is, would definitely draw attention and excitement of the reader. The prose was used in a solid manner, backing up the argument, and driving the reader to use their ethos. Using few but attractive words in the new excerpt “Others suppose she might be guilty for the age difference between her and the boy” instead of using parallel structure in the old, unappealing, and wordy excerpt, I created a dominant pathos for blaming the girl. For this reason, I believe this conclusion is more appropriate for strong arguments for its stylistic and impressive use; stylistic, for the concise yet logical and emotional appealing essay ending; impressive, for its interesting and open ended discussion.
In conclusion, in order to achieve a high quality style in writing, I must ask myself, “Have I finally achieved perfectness in prose? Does my essay correctly utilize the stylistic devices learnt in Writing 102? And am I a writer with strong analytical mind, supported arguments, and a creative writing style?” And, along with maturing my writing style, my goal is to continue using these stylistic devices throughout life. And my future objective will be achieving academic style, being economical in my essays; my creativeness in using prose is my main ingredient in argumentative essays. I should not argue without using these ingredients because they are the key supporters into a persuasive essay; often I will need a miracle, a lot of prayers, and a patient mind, before I can accomplish perfectness.
